The snow is coming... ARE WE GOING TO DIE!?!?!

"Environment Canada has issued a severe winter storm warning for Eastern Ontario."

We've heard this a million times the last few years or so in spite of the fact that we have had below-normal accumulations of snow. Some say that the declining snow amounts have been the result of global warming, explaining that our traditional snowfalls have been replaced with more freezing rain storms than we have ever seen in the past.

We're still in the dying weeks of autumn right now, and if forecasts for this weekend prove to be true, we might see more snow fall so far than all of last winter! And Christmas isn't even here yet!

Now... what exactly has a "severe winter storm" been in recent years? Pretty much any "storm" where 10cm of snow might fall. 4 inches. One-third of one foot. Barely over the tops of our shoes - if we were stupid enough to wear running shoes outside in the snow.

Not so long ago, we made fun of cities like Washington DC, Vancouver, or even Toronto for grinding to a halt any time a sprinkling of snow dusted the lawns of those fair cities. So, now that a "severe storm" really amounts very little to worry about, a forecast predicting up to sixty centimetres (yes, that's TWO FEET) of snow between some time after midnight tonight and around the same time tomorrow, what are we supposed to do? All hell breaks loose when we see an inch or three, what about twenty-four inches? Dust off your bomb shelters, folks!

The snow is coming tomorrow and tonight, Environment Canada is warning us that a "near-crippling snow storm" is approaching. It goes on to tell us that: "This massive snow storm has the potential to cause near-paralyzing conditions as road travel on any unplowed streets may become next to impossible on Sunday."

Near-crippling, near-paralyzing... Next to impossible to drive...

Whatever shall we do?! My wife has to work tomorrow night!

What has happened to us? I've seen pictures of my father's house on Baseline Road some thirty-five years ago. The snow was up to or beyond the roofline! How did people get around back then? Everybody drove big boats with rear wheel drive! Did thousands upon thousands of Ottawans disappear that winter? Have their bones and skeletons been found in local snow dumps? Come on, give me a break.

When area golfers were chasing their little white balls through New Year's last year, David Suzuki and Al Gore were falling all over themselves warning us about global warming, alerting us that "winter" as we knew it was becoming a mere memory and predicting that snow accumulations we once saw would never be seen again. Yep, that snow would inevitably turn to more and more freezing rain... seeing Ottawa's climate become more like Victoria, BC.

What are they saying this year? We can't find them on the air anywhere! Scientists are starting to come out of the woodwork and are calling out the "Nobel Peace Prize" winner on the junk science in his movie, The Inconvenient Truth.

This winter is starting to be kind of inconvenient, isn't it, Mr. Vice-President? Perhaps the so-called warming we've seen in recent years was another example of temperature and climactic fluctuation that the world has seen over hundreds, thousands and perhaps even millions of years.

Well, I'm going to gather the pictures I have of my wife tomorrow when she heads to work. I will pray that by some stroke of luck I might see her again some day... or maybe even later on in the evening. Meanwhile, folks, let's make sure we all head to Wal-Mart to buy water, batteries, canned goods and generators. THE SNOW IS COMING!!!!

Please... it's Canada, for God's sake. It's going to snow. Deal with it.